


A Byproduct Of Life

by Lady_Of_Paper_7



Series: Breathing Under Water [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Domestic, Fluff, Happy Ending, Healing, Kissing, Love, M/M, Magic, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, No Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, No Spoilers, Recovered Memories, Sweet, established relationships - Freeform, no infinity war spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-02 03:15:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14535438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Of_Paper_7/pseuds/Lady_Of_Paper_7
Summary: The team had come back two days ago and Bucky had wanted to tell Steve about the conversation he'd had with Loki straight away but he’d gotten distracted as usual, having to make sure Steve was alright and being unable to let go of him after that anyway.He’d eventually whispered it against the captain’s shoulder in the early morning hours, six quick words framed by one of the biggest smiles he’d worn since he’d gotten Steve back; “Loki said he can fix me”-------It had really not been an awful shock when Loki had befriended Bucky and the other way around. The fact that the god of mischief, chaos and fire ended up being the one who helped the winter soldier recover, had been surprising though.(This contains no spoilers for Infinity-War)





	1. Better Things

**Author's Note:**

> This fic takes place several weeks after "Breathing Under Water" and can also be considered the fourth part of my "Blue To Green To Blue"-Series (after I've finally finished the third part), that's why Loki and Tony's family play a bigger part. 
> 
> I don't think you have to have read those beforehand to understand what's happening here, as this is basically just a way of making sure, both Loki and Tony, as well as Steve and Bucky finally end up okay. They might even get the happy end no Marvel-movie has had them have this far.
> 
> I really hope you'll enjoy this, thank you for reading <3

Bucky sometimes forgot how big his and Steve’s bed actually was, especially when he was its only occupant. Like when his boyfriend went out for his daily run in the morning while it was pouring down outside and he and Sam were about to get soaked to the bone while Bucky shot him a dirty smile and snuggled back under the blankets to continue dozing for some time for example. He liked that to be sure, sprawling out over almost the entire mattress until Steve came back and crawled on top of him; cheeks and ears all flushed and red-hot in contrast to his cool skin, sometimes still wet with rain, when he pressed himself against Bucky who gasped and squirmed and laughed into Steve’s mouth until he followed him into the en suite bathroom for a hot shower.  

He didn’t like all the space he had now though, when he was twisting and turning in this ridiculously big bed, drowning in the endless masses of sheets and finally laid still on his back, blue eyes trained up at the ceiling and fingers digging into the pillows while his boyfriend was off with the rest of the Avengers on a secret mission in Italy. He’d left early in the morning, covering Bucky’s face with kisses as he said, he’d be back in three days and Bucky told him to better come back in one piece. “Or you’ll regret it”, he’d pressed his lips against the captain’s knuckles until Steve had finally had to let go and leave; his earpiece blinking rapidly as his teammates kept urging him and Tony on to hurry up and get onto the jet.

“Oh, fuck this”, he now finally kicked off the sheets; they still smelled of Steve and depressed him more than helped him fall asleep anyway.

So he got up, the hardwood floor cold beneath his bare feet as he padded through the bedroom and  hallway into the elevator, and pushed the button of the Avengers’ main floor. He’d left his copy of “Hitchhiker’s Guide To Galaxy” up there earlier and he figured he’d may as well finish it instead of starring up at the ceiling all night. Maybe he’d even get tired enough to doze off.

Said floor actually was the lowest one of Tony Stark’s private floors at the very top of the Avengers-tower and the team had apparently started having their group-meetings there, in Tony and Loki’s front room, at some point even before Bucky had come to permanently stay with Steve at the tower. They had also taken to sometimes stay there if they didn’t have anything better to do and since the couple had returned from Asgard with their baby in tow, the majority of the team spent most of their spare-time cooing over the little girl anyway.

Bucky was, while he tried to keep a safe distance between himself and Rose at all times, fairly certain that - if it weren’t for Tony’s suits and genius and Loki’s… being a literal, all powerful god - half of the team would have tried stealing her as soon as Tony and Loki had come back a couple of weeks ago. He’d also found, that he didn’t really think anything of the fact that the relationship between the son of the Howard Stark, whom he’d vaguely recalled by then, and an actual Norse god had resulted in probably the most adorable baby-girl he’d ever seen and had not been quite sure whether his lack of bemusement was a good thing or not ever since.

“You couldn’t sleep either?”, he awkwardly rubbed his right hand over the back of his neck when he exited the elevator cage and his eyes landed on the couch that was pushed up against one side of the front room, where Loki was stretched out over almost its entire length – which was quite impressive, considering that almost the entire team fit on that piece of furniture on occasion.

His head was pillowed on one armrest, legs bent at the knees with his bare feet braced against the cushions and both of his arms were wrapped around Rose who was snuggled into his chest. The light on the wall behind him was just barely bright enough for him to read the book he had in front of him out loud while he held his daughter close and the novel itself was levitating over them; just another evening at the Avenger-tower.

“I don’t bother trying anymore when they’re on a mission”, the god showed him a wry smile as he reached for the book with one hand, shut it and set it down on the table in front of the couch before he went back to cradling the back of Rose’s neck, his long fingers brushing over her soft black hair, her face half buried in the dark fabric of his soft gray tunic, “you’d like to keep us company?”

“If you don’t mind”

“Not at all”, the god shook his head, “just- would you think me awfully rude if I stayed like this? This is just the first time I got her to fall asleep tonight and I doubt-“

“Nah, don’t sweat it”, Bucky waved him off, “nice color though”

“Hm?”, Loki followed his gaze and carefully stretched one leg up to examine the dark green nail polish, “oh, that. Tony seems to think I need everything in that shade and keeps buying it”

“That’s surprisingly sweet of him”, Bucky trudged over to the couch and settled down, his movements quiet as a ghost’s, “not that I’m saying he’s not-“

“He does have a reputation to loose”, Loki grinned whilst lowering his leg, “and I can’t say I’m really trying to help him save it”

“Better things to do?”

“Oh, so many”, Loki raised his eyebrows and Bucky grinned back, “anyway, I’m grateful for the company, I grow tired of hearing my own voice”, he nodded towards the thick novel which looked suspiciously like the one Bucky’d come to get.

“That’s something I haven’t heard a lot of people say”, once he’d made sure that his left arm was wedged in between his side and the cushions, Bucky stopped fidgeting and made himself comfortable. He could think of worse company to spend the night with than Loki and his daughter, even if that meant that every conversation they might end up having would end up consisting of nothing but whispers.

Since the god and engineer had shown up at the tower again and Steve had introduced Bucky to the couple, explaining to them what they’d missed while they’d been on Asgard and who exactly the tower’s newest occupant was, he and Loki had started hanging out together whenever the team was called away for a mission.

The main reason for that consisted in the fact that Loki wouldn’t leave the tower without Rose and obviously wouldn’t leave her alone or even with someone that wasn’t Tony or a member of the Avengers, never mind keep joining them on their missions and everyone still avoided even mentioning plans for Bucky’s future at or with S.H.I.E.L.D. to him. Both of them were grateful for the company though, as it, at least partly, kept their minds off worrying what their respective idiot of partner would end up getting himself into and they both felt less like, for the lack of a better description, children that need to be kept safe and away from the action. Most of the time they ended up just sitting together and talking and Bucky couldn’t say that he minded not really going out and be around… crowds of people unless Steve took him out from time to time or he tagged along on one of the almost daily, little trips Loki went on with his daughter since his powers were almost back to normal again and she was strong enough to travel via teleportation risk free.

He usually went to the countryside or shore or took her on strolls through the most remote forests, beaches or valleys he could find to have her spend time outdoors. The idea of her growing up in a huge human city, confined to the inside of the tower had first come to him a couple of days after Tony had arrived on Asgard and they’d discussed what they would do after the birth of their baby and since he really didn’t care for that thought and, as he had the means of taking her and Tony to the most beautiful places, he had taken to doing exactly that. He was sticking with America for the time being though and preferred off-grit areas, which was probably one of the main reasons Bucky liked to accompany him and if that helped him go out and take his head off things, Loki didn’t see what was wrong with that, especially since he’d come to find that he enjoyed his company.

Bucky himself had been kind of afraid, he’d lost the ability to have a regular conversation without drifting into rambling or awkward silences ever since he’d gotten Steve back but with Loki he hadn’t messed anything up yet and, as small of a reassurance that was, it definitely made him feel better. Maybe, the reason for them getting along had something to do with the fact that Loki couldn’t exactly be called a regular guy either and talking to him was just _easier_ ; he never treated Bucky like a ticking time-bomb or charity-case like most others tended to do, actually never really seemed to see a difference between him and the others. If anything, the god seemed more relaxed around him than everyone else at S.H.I.E.L.D.s that wasn’t part of the avengers, which was quite relaxing in turn.

“You do realize that that’s not a threat to me, don’t you? You don’t have to-”, the god trailed of in a gentler tone of voice, rearranging his legs to hang off the side of the couch to actually be able to look at Bucky while they talked.

“I generally prefer not to risk it”, was what Bucky ended up saying.

The words felt weird on his lips and the fingers of his right hand twitched twisted at his side but he fought the urge to press them over his mouth in a way to get rid of the awkwardness his words had left in their wake. He’d found that stating the – for him – smallest things sometimes proved hardest to put in words and explain, hence why he tended to end up sounding like a robot from time to time.

“I guess, I get that”, Loki nodded solemnly while he carefully shifted a little and pushed himself higher against the cushion, smoothing the tips of his fingers along Rose’s cheek when she made a soft sound in her sleep and stretched his neck to brush a kiss against her forehead. He still hadn’t been able to get over the fact that she was actually there, as healthy and gorgeous as he’d never dared to imagine, and he and Tony were able to hug and kiss her as they pleased.

“…you have no idea how glad I am about that answer”

“Pf, tell me about it”, the god rolled his eyes “they’re all just so considerate around here, aren’t they?”

“What they handled you with kid gloves as well?”, Bucky tugged his feet up under his thighs and leaned against the backrest of the couch.

“They haven’t really stopped yet”, Loki pursed his lips while he gazed at Bucky, “but Tony made most of S.H.I.E.L.D. feel bad about the aftermath of New York and my…”, his voice grew quieter and his gaze drifted off into space for a couple of seconds.

“Yeah, Steve mentioned something about that”, Bucky said gently and the other blinked and looked back at him.

They had not really come around talking about the heavier aspects of their pasts yet – neither Loki’s nor Bucky’s backstories really made for easy chatter and talking these things through over and over was something both of them had had to do so often by now, coming to mutual agreement to spare them out was like a short vacation.

“But I think they’re not constantly afraid I’m going to snap and liquefy their spinal columns or turn them to dust anymore”, Loki almost managed to make the smile he’d plastered over his lips look genuine; “which I’m not going to do”, he added after a pause and Bucky couldn’t help himself but snorted out loud at that.

“What?”

“Nothing, sorry”, Bucky tried his best to suppress the uncontrollable laugh that threatened to force its way past his lips but Loki’s eyebrows had almost ascended into his hairline and he had to shove his fist between his teeth to not wake up the baby by cackling too loudly at his expression, “seriously, I have no idea; my mind’s probably just done for”, he eventually scrubbed a slightly shaky hand across his face, trying to breathe as deeply as he could, “sorry”

He didn’t get to go out and be around a lot of other people too much lately and situations like this didn’t really contribute to him wanting to change that in the near future, although the god didn’t seem to be too bothered by his behavior as long as he didn’t make too much noise.

“I had an idea recently”, Loki continued after he’d made sure Rose hadn’t woken up after all - he’d only succeeded in coaxing her to fall asleep about an hour ago – but she was fine, snuggled against him and her chest slowly rising and falling against his, “Would you let me try something?”

“Depends on what that’d be”, Bucky didn’t feel quite comfortable with the way the god was eying him up all of a sudden but didn’t back away from him yet.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to force myself on you if that’s what you’re afraid of”, Loki rolled his vibrant green eyes at him, “I’m quite contend for the moment”

“I’ll tell Tony as soon as he gets back”

“He’ll be very happy to hear that from such a credible source”

“Always at your service”, Bucky saluted him and okay, he might have found his favorite person at S.H.I.E.L.D. after Steve, he thought when Loki grinned back and shook his head, “what do you want?”


	2. A real Person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What”, Bucky tossed his head, which wasn’t hurting for once, back only to end up blinking at him through his bangs anyway, “you’d rather talk about Loki than fuck me? You really know how to make a man feel wanted”

 

“Bucky, I’m not sure about this”

“I heard you the last five hundred times”, Bucky kept kissing along his boyfriend’s jawline, shifted his weight in Steve’s lap and tightened his hold on his shirt, his real hand on his shoulder, the other one folded behind his own back as always and his knees on either side of his hips.

He’d never been able to keep his hands off his boyfriend after he’d come home from a mission (or sometimes grocery shopping) before and he would probably never be and Steve had yet to complain about it. About the kissing anyway; he enjoyed that far more than Bucky ranting and raving at him as soon as he uncovered the bruises or wounds he’d taken away from a mission.

The team had come back two days ago and Bucky had wanted to tell him about Loki’s proposition straight away but he’d gotten distracted as usual, having to make sure Steve was alright and being unable to let go of him after that anyway. He’d eventually whispered it against the captain’s shoulder in the early morning hours, six quick words framed by one of the biggest smiles he’d worn since he’d gotten Steve back; _“Loki said he can fix me”_

And Steve’s reaction had not been as positive as he’d imagined, asking what he meant exactly before he’d cupped Bucky’s face and looked him straight in the eye while he’d said that “There’s nothing about you that needs to be fixed”

They had not really discussed it further then; Bucky had merely told him about the conversation he’d had with the god and Loki mentioning that he might be able to give him back his memories and undo the training Hydra’d put him under. He had eventually contented himself with Steve’s promise to think about it when he didn’t show any signs of content about the situation. He hadn’t brought the topic up since then either, figuring that putting Steve in a better mood before trying to talk about it again might do the trick as all the captain had done this far had been trying to put him off the idea whenever they talked about it, only listing possible problems and complications. It’s not like he wasn’t aware of that part, he wasn’t that gullible, but Bucky doubted that Steve had thought about the chance they had here even once either.

“That’s not going to work”, Steve now murmured into Bucky’s hair and his breath moved a couple of long brown strands around, his hands digging into the small of his boyfriend’s back.

“Oh, but I think it is”, the grin Bucky shot him while he ground his hips down more insistently was so close to the one he’d worn 70 years ago, the captain almost forgot what he’d wanted to say after all, biting back a moan when his boyfriend’s hand left its place on his shoulder and settled down in between his legs, “I’m pretty damn sure, actually”

“That’s not what I meant, jackass”, Steve could feel the tips of his ears heat up as he brought one hand up to cup the back of his head and pulled him in for a real kiss, gasping against his lips when Bucky deliberately turned his hand before he pressed it back down, heel first, and Steve’s hips bucked up.

“And what _did_ you mean, Steve Rogers?”, Bucky’s voice had just a slightly haughty undertone to it when he reached out with his left hand to grip the end of the their bed’s heading – he could almost _taste_ Steve’s disapproval at that but he didn’t say anything for now – to support himself when he answered his boyfriend’s movements and softly moaned into their kiss, “ _Captain_ Rogers, American’s favorite son and-“

“You’re such an idiot”, Steve pulled back and finally tightened his hold on his boyfriend enough to hold him still, “and just so you know it; I meant you distracting me’s not gonna work”

“What”, Bucky tossed his head, which wasn’t hurting for once, back only to end up blinking at him through his bangs anyway, “you’d rather talk about Loki than fuck me? You really know how to make a man feel wanted”

“You mean; do I want to make sure my boyfriend-“, said boyfriend snorted at that and rolled his eyes but the smile on his face was as obvious as it was sweet, “isn’t about to get himself accidently lobotomized or at least talk about it before he does? Kind of, yeah”

“You realize, you’re being melodramatic, don’t you?”

“I just don’t want you to do anything stupid without thinking it through because it looks like the easy solution and regret it afterwards”

“And you’re a total hypocrite”, Bucky let go of the headboard, leaned back slightly and tapped his index-finger against the captain’s chest, “I remember at least a dozen stupid things you did since I came here, like during the Pierce-thing and then there’s the stuff the others tell me about when you get back from your missions, never mind the shit you got up to before-“

“That’s different“, Steve interrupted him immediately, “I did all these things because I had to and-“

Bucky raised an eyebrow; “You once started a fight with a guy twice your size because he wouldn’t shut up at the cinema”

“You know it wasn’t like that. And seriously, of all the things you have to remember _that_?”, Steve groaned without thinking and by the time Bucky pursed his lips – about half a second later – he wished, he’d never opened his mouth.

“I may have a memory like a sieve but your stupidity’s apparently so vast that it’s virtually impossible for anyone to wipe out every last memory of it”

“Bucky, hey, I didn’t mean it like that-”

“Believe me, I’d much rather remember the names of my parents or the street we lived in or the first time we kissed or just something that isn’t me blowing holes in people’s heads and slitting throats but apparently that’s just ludicrous”, his voice was bitter and flat as he pushed himself off his boyfriend’s lap, got off the bed and strode towards the door of their bedroom.

He stopped when he reached it though, his hand on its handle, head slightly ducked and the muscles in his back visibly tense; he couldn’t do it - he couldn’t leave like that and maybe come back to an empty room that only held the memory of him hissing at Steve who then wouldn’t be there to apologize to. So he let go of the doorknob and pressed the tips of his fingers against his temple where he felt the beginning of a dull throb, straightened up and went back. He settled for slouching against the foot of the bed - they had one of those huge king-sized beds with both a wooden head- and foot-spread - before he pressed his lips together and crossed his arms in front of his chest and, having almost the entire mattress between them, kicked against the bottom of Steve’s foot until he pulled his legs up. He was making a fool of himself and the fact that he was aware of it as well without actually being able to do anything about it, left a bitter taste in his mouth when he pulled his knees up as well and wrapped both arms around them.

“Buck”, the captain said quietly, settling back down from where he’d gotten halfway to his feet to follow Bucky, and pretended to ignore what just had happened while the frown between his brows deepened.

“Hey, that’s what you meant so don’t ‘Buck’ me for saying it out loud”

“No, I didn’t”, Steve did his best to keep his voice as even and quiet as possible, “I just don’t want you to get hurt”

“I don’t care about that; I just want to be a real person again”

“ _I_ care. I care about everything about you”

“I’m not even what you really want as long as I-“, the words came out unbidden and he immediately snapped his mouth shut, curling up more into himself.

“Don’t say that”, Steve pushed himself forward the tiniest bit but made no move to touch him– he’d become pretty good at figuring out when Bucky could handle being touched and right know he didn’t look like he could, never mind wanted it - although he could feel his fingers physically itch with the need to shake him until he came to his senses and pull him close afterward, “don’t you dare say that, please. It’s not true and I’d never think something like that, I promise”

“Come on, I see the face you make when you think I’m not looking”

“Bucky, I’m just worried; I’m not sour that you’ve changed since 1930 or something, do you really think-”, Steve tried to maintain eye contact but his boyfriend turned his head away and towards the window, “you don’t think that you’re a _stopgap_ for me, do you?”  

“Like this?”, Bucky held up his left arm so the metal reflected the light before he pushed his hair back to reveal the scarred skin beneath, “of course I am. But now there’s a way I might get back to normal and you get who you want to be with“ _This wasn’t how this conversation was supposed to go; all he’d wanted to do had been taking the chance of getting rid of the marks Hydra had left on him for good. He had definitely not planned on telling him all of this – god knows Steve was worrying about him too much already - but the longer they talked, the more he lost control of what he said. Steve had been right; all he wanted was an easy solution for once - was that really too much to ask? Didn’t he deserve to finally be okay? Or did he. Probably not._

 _“Bucky_ ”, Steve didn’t quite manage to close his mouth completely as he starred at him _and great, now he’d managed to make Steve feel bad and he hadn’t meant to say this, he hadn’t, he hadn’t, he hadn’t- oh god his head felt like it was breaking in half_ , “stop this. I told you and I’ll tell you again; I love _you_ and I want _you_. Always have. _You_ , you hear? I lost you once, twice already and I won’t, I can’t-“, he couldn’t even _say_ it, out loud, “I’m not waiting for a better option or something like that, I want you to get better, to _feel_ better that’s all. You have to believe me, you have to”

“You’re still you”, Bucky lowered his arm after a couple of minutes and finally gazed into his direction again, sky blue eyes opened wider, more vulnerable than he’d allowed himself to look in months, a frown etched into his forehead. This wasn’t something they talked about often, at least not as often as they probably should, “you went through so much and you’re still you. I know you’re stronger than me but”, he heaved a sigh against the streaks that had fallen into his face, “Fuck, why can’t I do that? I should-”

“What Hydra put you through was worse than most people could ever imagine; everyone around here’s got some kind of back story and most of those don’t come even close to yours either”

“So I’m supposed to be proud of that or what are you saying?”, Bucky’s voice cracked. His lips had turned white because of how hard he’d been pressing them together and now the color returned to them ever so slowly.

“I’m saying that you had no control over your actions; they made you do those things and it’s not your fault. Bucky, no one can come out of something like that like nothing’s happened, you know that. I wouldn’t have been able to survive those seventy years like you did and still come out as a good man, I doubt anyone would have”

“I’m not-“

“You are to me so shut up about that”

“You always had awful judgement”, Bucky sighed again and suddenly just seemed so tired and frail the captain’s throat felt constricted, “but let’s say you’re right, my point still stands”, the words felt like acid in his mouth.

“That you’re not the exact same person you were before the war anymore?”, Steve asked in a soft voice and his boyfriend nodded over his knees, “I really don’t think anyone is.”, he shifted forward a little further and, when Bucky didn’t jump or tried to back away, stretched one arm out towards him, “But I don’t think even Loki’ll be able to undo every change you went through and I know you don’t really think that either”

“I want- I just want it gone, everything they put in my head“, Bucky started but closed his eyes and took a slow shaky breath, “I can’t live and constantly be afraid something’s gonna make me snap back and- Steve, you don’t know how it feels, to always have this thing inside of you”, _to always be that thing_.

“Okay, okay I get that”, the captain spoke slowly and quietly, trying to calm him down when his voice went more strident again.

“And I need to get my memories back”, he whispered, now looking straight at Steve, “I have to remember everything about you again. I- I know that I probably won’t get to be the same again but I have to try this, Steve, I have to - this is the best chance I’ll ever have”

“Alright”, Steve showed him a soft smile when his boyfriend hesitantly raised his real hand and touched the tips of his fingers, “would you mind if I talked to Loki as well before we do this? I mean, he generally knows what he’s doing and he likes you so he probably wouldn’t put you at risk”, he asked and got a slow head-shaking as an answer, “Bucky, I only want you to be okay and I’ll do everything I can to help you, just be careful”

“I never wanted to do this to you, you know?”, Bucky dropped his gaze to the bed sheets when Steve slid his fingers between his, that somehow always helped calm him down, “all I wanted for you’s to be happy, I remember that much”

“I am once you stop screwing with the most important person of my life”, the captain decided against his usual assurances – they never really seemed to work anyway – and very carefully tugged at his hand and Bucky let himself be pulled forward.

“Hey there”, he laid his chin against the top of Bucky’s head once he’d nestled up to him and hugged him close, “how’s the head?”, he asked, leaning back against the pillows and pulled Bucky along, gently brushing his hair back.

“Fine”, Bucky muttered, some of the tension seeping out of his muscles and he relaxed slightly in his boyfriend’s hold, savoring the feeling of Steve’s fingertips on his skin. He would probably never get over being touched this gently.

“And truthfully?”, Steve pressed his lips against his temple, his hand cupping the side of his head and his thumb smoothing over his jaw.

“About two sizes too small? I don’t know, I’ll be fine, it’s been worse”, he admitted, nuzzling into the touch.

“Of course”, Steve silently clicked his tongue but didn’t say anything else for a while.

“Are we gonna be okay?”, he eventually asked and his boyfriend lifted his head up to look at him.

“I don’t know”, Bucky said honestly, “but with all the crap that’s happened to us up until now, I don’t give a damn about probability so I’ll say yes just on principle”, he squeezed his hand before he tugged it up and pressed his lips against it.

“Sounds perfect to me”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope, you've enjoyed this and I'll do my best to keep the weekly updates up, Thank you for reading!


	3. For A Long Time

James Barnes sometimes thought that maybe, probably even, he’d been a little crazy even before Hydra had messed him up. In moments like this, when he watched Loki and Steve discuss how exactly the god would go about mending his mind, he was almost sure of it because instead of joining the conversation and worrying about possible risks or consequences if something did go wrong, he was merely becoming impatient for them to finally shut up and _just do something_.

“And you’re sure, you got everything right?”

He had stopped counting just how many times Steve had asked that by now but Loki nodded again, “because I won’t risk-“, and went on explaining how he would start rebuilding has damaged or missing memories, threading them together with what little he had already remembered during the last months again. After that, he’d work on undoing the influence and ‘training’ Hydra had put him under.

Bucky himself wasn’t even properly listening anymore and kept tugging on a loose thread from the bottom of his sweater, twirling it around his finger while he tried to block them out – They’d been through this so often by now and at some point, talking everything through again and again stopped being reassuring and just made him feel even more anxious. It’s not like making this had been especially easy decision to make either.

“What you have to remember is that I will have to have full access on pretty much everything if we want to do this”, he looked up when the god turned to him directly.

This, too, had already been said during the conversations they’d had beforehand and far from news at this point and Bucky had accepted it. He wasn’t exactly happy about giving up pretty much every the last shred of privacy to someone, even if that someone was Loki, one of the few people he felt vaguely comfortable calling a friend. From what little he’d been able to remember up until now, he remembered much worse things Hydra had done to him than spying on his private thoughts and memories though and he tried considering it merely another price he had to pay in order to finally recover and if he had to pay it, he might as well pay it to someone he (more or less) trusted, “and what might be even more important is, that, as soon as we start this, it won’t be possible for me to pick and choose what memories will come back. In fact, it’ll be necessary to recover everything and I doubt it would be a good idea to attempt immediately getting rid of unwanted-“

“I know that”, Bucky finally interrupted the god and felt both, Loki’s and Steve’s gazes on him as he slouched further back against the backrest of the couch in in his and Steve’s living room next to the captain, the heel of his foot tapping against the floor in sporadic beats, “can we just get this over with?”

“I’m not going to say that you don’t understand what you’re asking for, since I really don’t have any right to do so”, Loki said in a soft voice, still trained onto him and bright green under a mild frown, “it’s just that I’m sometimes not sure, whether remembering some good stuff is worth inviting all these nightmares into your head”, his gaze drifted off for a couple of seconds, as it sometimes did when he was deep in thought, “I was in a different situation though, so it really doesn’t matter what I think is best. I would just advise you to-“

“-to not rush my decision and do something stupid”, Bucky made a face meander between a smile and grimace, “believe me, I got that after the first five conversations we had and this one here”, he semi-gently prodded Steve’s ribs with the tips of his fore- and middle-finger, “’s been nagging me about that for three months now” Since the topic had come up. There really could not be said anything about him rushing his decision.

“And it might not even work properly”, Loki still said but he was already going over the spells he’d need in a couple of minutes in his mind.

Basically, what he was going to do was use several healing spells he’d either been taught or had come up with himself to undo the damage Hydra had inflicted on Bucky’s mind and memories, ‘healing’ them in the process and recovering the information he’d lost - no matter what a sick organization like them thought, human memories were almost impossible to destroy or “delete” completely. Which in turn meant, while they had managed to damage the majority of the memories Bucky’d had of his early life to a point where he himself didn’t have access to them anymore, they had not actually gotten rid of them. That gave Loki the opportunity to rebuild and thread them together, using almost exactly the same spells he usually employed for healing, only that he would concentrate on restoring missing and damaged details instead of taking care of a physical wound or illness.

After that, he would block the connection of the protocol, Bucky had been indoctrinated with, to his procedural memory so whenever said protocol would get triggered or someone tried to gain control over him with it again, his mind would feel blank for a couple of seconds, almost like he’d forgotten it. The more intense the trigger, he might develop a headache but he would stay in control. As Loki wasn’t able to just erase the training Hydra had put Bucky under, that was about the best solution he’d been able to come up with and by far the one that would be easiest on him and wouldn’t take too long since it actually was fairly easy to differentiate ‘normal’ memories or training from information that had been indoctrinated into someone’s mind by force or taught via torture. In addition to that Loki was confident that getting rid of Bucky’s training would end up being easier than rebuilding his memories had been, after he had examined Bucky’s own memories quite closely himself beforehand.

“Can we just start?”, Bucky asked again when his boyfriend caught his hand and squeezed it in his before he turned to him, “you don’t have to stay, if you-“

“O, just shut up”, Steve rolled his eyes but pulled him closer for a second and pressed his lips to his forehead, “I thought we’d only do stupid stuff together from now on _”, o god, he was being ridiculously corny but_ Bucky’s eyes _when he blinked at him and smiled back just a sweetly_ – he’d become excellent at ignoring everything around him when he was being sweet with the captain and Steve was pretty sure he would never really stop falling for him these days. It took a lot of willpower for him to let go of him and settle for just holding his hand again, “I’ll stay right here with you”

“Alright then”, Loki laid both his hands against either side of Bucky’s face, “This may feel cold”, he warned as he carefully felt over the back and sides of Bucky’s head until his hands came to a rest directly on the rough scar-tissue and despite his efforts, Bucky yelped quietly and tried to pull away when they did.

These were the exact areas where his headaches both spread form and felt most intense while they lasted and neither he nor anyone else ever actually touched him there. The reason for that wasn’t necessarily that the skin, despite his its rough structure, was quite tender and being touched there felt extremely uncomfortable, bordering on painful but the fact that the touch also sent a shock and vague feeling of terror down his spine.

“Okay?” the god asked after some time when his breathing had normalized again, “we do not have to do this today if-“

“No, I’m fine”, Bucky insisted immediately and Steve thought that he really had to stop rolling his eyes but didn’t let go of his right hand. He was sitting to Bucky’s right on the couch and the god had dragged one of the chairs from the dining area in front of him, “this is fine”

His other sleeve hung down his left side and lazily swayed back and forth when he moved about too much. Tony was currently working on designing him a new prosthesis and had, despite him thinking it was pretty damn stupid, already called favors in with a group of surgeons he was on friendly terms with, who had detached the old one when Bucky had asked him to.

He’d been feeling much better ever since that cold thing had been taken off his body even if having to rely on one functioning arm inconvenienced his day-to-day-life about as much as one would expect, especially since he was just used to having the prosthesis. Ghastly thing it was, it had, apart from some technical difficulties over almost eighty years, worked, especially after he’d gotten the hang of using it properly.

 “You’ll still have to tell me as soon as it hurts or you feel weird okay? I’ll go very slowly but you’ll have to work with me here”

“I know”, biting back a more annoyed response, Bucky concentrated on breathing in and out as deeply and calmly as he could instead.

“Just making sure”, Loki looked him in the eye one last time before he closed his own.

“Mhm hm”, Bucky hummed and too let his eyes slip shut when he could feel the tips of the god’s fingers cool down and a soft kind of buzz spread from them.

“Is this okay?”, Loki asked and Bucky nodded, not sure whether he’d be able to make a sound as the chilly feeling unfurled further from behind his temples until his whole head felt like it was filled with a cool mist. It didn’t hurt though. He was almost starting to relax when he felt a slight pressure behind his temples, chilly as the god’s magic but still not painful.

The feeling altered after a couple of seconds and he was surrounded by flashes of colors. Those patches slowly divided and unfolded into countless different images that started to bleed into one another and turned into whole scenes that seemed to unfold in his mind but everything went by way too fast for him to really grasp a single thing. There was also an unbelievable amount of background noise but it was so low and muddled that Bucky felt like someone had wrapped a blanket around his head. Until a single voice pushed itself into the foreground and his eyes flew open;

_…“What’re you thinking about?”_

_“About what I’m gonna do to you if you don’t come under the covers again right now and get another chill”, Bucky heard himself say and felt a slow smile stretch over his lips when Steve’s face swam into focus above him._

_He had pushed himself up onto one arm to look down into his face, his other hand placed on Bucky’s chest to support himself. His collarbones looked like they wanted to pierce right through his pale skin and Bucky could feel every single rib press against his own chest when he pulled him down again and pulled the covers over them. His skin felt cool even though their beaten up heater worked for once and the room was actually warm enough to not need an extra layer of clothing, unless you were Steve Rogers and had a body fat percentage of about minus eight percent of course._

_The flu he’d been nursing until a couple of days ago had not come back yet and Bucky was confident that if he managed to get the job down at the docks and Steve the extra shifts at the diner this week and earned enough money to afford food and maybe an additional sweater or two, they might not have to deal with another relapse._

_“Any good ideas yet?”, Steve asked when he plastered himself against his boyfriend._

_“Not yet”, Bucky finished tugging the sheets around them._

_Neither of them would have to get up for another couple of hours and he figured that resting a little longer would do them good. Their night had been …rather short  after all, not that they minded but still, “but whatever I’ll come up with will be bad, I can promise you that”, he whispered into Steve’s hair and kissed him before he could say anything back…_

_…The cot he was sitting on was so ramshackle, every time he as much as shifted his weight or crossed his legs to get more comfortable he expected it to just collapse beneath him. He wondered whether it was coincidence or by design that his cot was in similar bad shape as he was and grinned halfheartedly at that thought but stopped when even that tiny movement proved to be painful. He was hurting in places he hadn’t even known he had and that said something, given the fact that he’d spent a good chunk of his teenage-years kicking what felt like half of Brooklyn’s male population’s asses in order to stop anyone from messing with Steve and, subsequently getting his own handed to him every so often, especially in the beginning._

_“Hey”, a Steve Rogers twice the size of the scrawny kid he’d grown up and fallen in love with years ago now poked his head into the room, “I talked to the doctors, you don’t have to stay in here tonight if you don’t want to”_

_“Where_ am I _gonna sleep then?”, he asked with raised eyebrows. The base was beyond crowded with the men Steve had rescued and being presented with the option of sleeping on his own at the barest to minimum sickbay or on the floor in the overstuffed barracks, he didn’t have to think too hard about what he’d prefer._

_“What about my quarters?”_

_“And you’ll stay here?”, his voice felt scratchy in his throat but he tried to suppress the urge to cough as that would only sent up more pain from his ribs and limbs._

_“No, I’ll be the gentleman I’ve always been and sleep on the floor if that’s alright with you”_

_“How could I possibly say ‘no’ to that?”, his chuckling dryly felt almost as bad but he would be damned if he let Steve see._

_He had more than enough to do with trying to figure out how to get of this thing without screaming out in pain. Every inch of his skin was sore and his whole body just … didn’t feel right; his skin was too tight over his bones in some, felt plain weird in other places; his, basically, everything just felt raw and the nausea that had kicked in almost as soon as Red Skull had injected him with whatever had been in that syringe, had never really worn off._

_“You need help?”, Steve didn’t actually wait for an answer but crossed the room and laid his hands on either side of his hips and half helped, half lifted him off the cot and onto his feet once Bucky took a hold on his shoulders._

_“…thanks”, Bucky unclenched his teeth but neither he nor Steve let go for a long time._

_When they finally did leave the room, the captain kept one arm slung around his waist to support him on their way and the handful of people they passed only nodded them in passing or congratulated Steve on rescuing the men. By the time they’d made it back to Steve’s quarters, Bucky’s legs were ready to give in and he was sure that he’d be able to fall asleep standing there if he’d just be given the time._

_“Alright, careful Buck”, Steve knelt down in front of him to pull off his mud-cracked boots once he’d made him sit down on the bed._

_As Bucky had only been wearing a washed out top and loose pants since they’d confined him to the sickroom, Steve didn’t bother with helping him out of those. Despite the fact that he was much better off in the room that had been assigned to him, after he’d returned with the men (and had finished answering the questions and demands that came with him single-handedly entering enemy-territory) than his fellow men, the air within was still rather chilly and Bucky had not really warmed up since Steve had gotten him of that table._

_“I’m getting old”, his boyfriend sighed when he pulled up his legs._

_He’d been in better shape while they’d travelled from Hydra’s base to the camp. It almost seemed like his entire strength had left him the second he’d sat down at sickbay and, apparently to make up for it, pain and tiredness had caught on as soon as the doctors and nurses had been done with him._

_“I’m told that’s a byproduct of life”, the captain didn’t bother turn around as he locked the door of the tiny room and started taking off his own uniform, probably because he could easily imagine the look Bucky was casting him at that._

_When he was down to his socks and shorts and went back to him, Bucky was still crouching on the edge of the mattress rather than actually laying there and he softly pushed against his shoulders until he did lie down and smoothed his hand over Bucky’s legs until he stretched them out with a muffled groan as well. The blanket he covered him with was so thin Bucky didn’t even notice it until he opened his eyes again and looed down._

_“I meant that when I said I’d sleep on the floor”, Steve brushed his hand along his boyfriend’s jawline, fingers warm against his skin when Bucky started inching even closer towards the edge of the bed  and let his hand stay there at the bleary look he shot him underneath half-closed eyes._

_It had not even been a week since the captain had gotten him out of the facility Hydra had kept him in and while they’d made it back to the camp, they had barely seen each other as Steve had done his best to get the whole group to a safe place as fast as possible while the state the majority of the men, Buck included although he made a point of keeping up with the captain, had been in preventing them from travelling as fast as he would have liked._

_“Don’t you dare”, Bucky murmured now and shifted onto his side, “don’t wanna hear you complain about your back tomorrow”, he added when the captain settled down beside him._

_“Sorry”, Steve whispered at his boyfriend’s wince when his shoulder bumped against his and Bucky made a sound between a snort and a sigh when he laid his head against the arm Steve offered him as a pillow._

_“’s not the worst thing that’s happened this week”, he shifted and laid his own hand against the side of Steve’s face, like he’d done earlier, carefully feeling over his jaw and down his neck until he reached his chest and spent a couple of minutes mapping it out with the very tips of his fingers._

_“What do you think?”, he asked when Bucky’s hand stilled for a couple of seconds and his boyfriend laid his head back and raised an eyebrow at his insecure tone of voice._

_“You’re beautiful”, he decided against the sarcastic remark that was on the top of his tongue and softly pressed his lips against his chest, over his heart, “like you’ve always been”, his skin was almost hot in the chilly air and compared to Steve’s usual body temperature it felt like it was burning his lips when Bucky kissed him. It was bliss._

_“And you really don’t mind-“, Steve started, shoulders pulled up like he wanted to make himself as small as possible if that was even possible at this point, but was interrupted by Bucky clenching his teeth as he stretched up and unclenching his teeth as soon as their lips met._

_“Of course I mind you being healthy and actually having a chance of annoying me for the next sixty, seventy years to come. And you finally getting your way with being accepted into the army?”, he pulled back to look straight at Steve and shot him a glare when he opened his mouth to interrupt him, “I can’t even stand the thought, ‘specially after you got me out of that base”_

_“So you still like me?”, Steve ducked his head even further, a faint blush creeping up his jowls and Bucky rolled his eyes._

_“No”, he kissed him again and gently run his fingers through his hair, “obviously not, now stop being stupid”_

_“Good to know that some things do stay the same”, a bright smile spread over Steve’s lips when his boyfriend settled back down._

_“Some”, Bucky agreed, the word almost getting lost in the yawn that forced its way past his lips…._

_…_ He was so cold. So, so very cold. _That was all that he could think now. Some time ago, there had also been pain, unbelievable, unbearable pain where his left shoulder had used to be but that had been so long ago, he would have laughed at the thought that there had used to be a time when he’d been able to feel anything. He’d laughed if he’d been able to move that is but apparently movement had left the ship along with his ability to feel though. Every second he lay there and couldn’t breathe properly, he felt his mind slip away farther. It was so dark. So dark and so cold and he wasn’t able to move a single muscle._

_In the back of his mind, he was pretty sure that this wasn’t what someone was supposed to think in a situation like this but the thought that someone, something existed that wasn’t coldness or darkness seemed so strange. He tried to get himself to think about something else, about what had happened before he’d gotten here because there had to have been something before this, hadn’t it? His mind kept slipping and he couldn’t focus which scarred him almost as much but that happened sometimes when he was nervous, or scarred. Or freezing to death in a ravine in Europe._

_That country apparently really wasn’t for him, with everything that had happened to him since he’d gotten here. He’d never leave his home-country again once he’d made it back, Bucky now decided. Steve would probably never let him anyway. Speaking of; with his luck, Steve was probably skidding down those mountains right now and started searching for him and he’d never hear the end of this, he thought and tried to open his eyes again but his lids were too heavy and he couldn’t and that made him pause._

_He hadn’t noticed that it had stopped snowing at first and as he continued laying there, his ears started picking up sounds that shouldn’t be there. Like footsteps echoing down a hallway and several voices mixing together, speaking Russian and German. At this point his heart started racing and he tried, with new desperation to regain control over his muscles but he still couldn’t feel anything, he might as well didn’t even have a body._

_“He awake yet?”, he finally heard someone ask near his head with a heavy accent but didn’t catch the answer when the darkness vanished and his right eye starred up against the harsh ceiling light. He tried to blink but something held his lid up and a face appeared above him, blurry and partly covered by the afterimages the bright light he’d starred into had left behind._

_“We’ll start the procedure immediately before the medication wears out”, this time he did hear the answer as well as the fainting footsteps when the darkness returned and he tried to scream but his body wouldn’t comply…_

_…“You have to clean that shit off the arm”, he didn’t even blink when the officer struck him with the back of his hand before he continued flipping through the file, “can’t spent an hour scrubbing that off every time you finish an assignment.”_

_He didn’t answer. They never wanted him to answer and he never did._

_“Any survivors?”_

_“No”_

_“Witnesses?”_

_“No”_

_“Good work”, the man put the report down, “go get cleaned up”_

_He did. Got up, left the room, made for the shower-rooms and got undressed. He left his clothes in a heap on the floor and stepped beneath the cold spray. He kept staring straight ahead while the water beat down on him, running into his eyes and dripping in dark red streams off his hair and limbs. The blood that had dried on his left arm didn’t wash off as easily, as always…_

Steve sat there, watching the two of them and tried to be as quiet as he could. He only moved in order to squeeze Bucky’s hand tighter when he scrunched up his face or made this broken sound in the back of his throat, half sob half gasp. His eyes flicked from his to Loki’s face all the time and while the god kept quiet, his face mirrored the distressed expressions that crossed Bucky’s from time to time and at some point, that look didn’t vanish but became permanent and his grip on the captain’s hand tightened.

“Shhhh”, he laid his hand against his jowl, careful not to move him or knock against Loki when Bucky whimpered quietly.

He didn’t dare say more to avoid disturbing the spell or Loki’s concentration but he tried to push as close to his boyfriend as he could when Bucky called for him in a hoarse voice, and continued softly touching him when his body stiffened and his face morphed into a cold mask. Even his body-temperature seemed to plummet as they sat there and Steve soon felt like he was holding onto a statue.

While the tension eventually left his muscles and he curled up more into himself, his breathing became erratic until, by the time Loki opened his eyes, he was on the verge of hyperventilating; his whole body stiffening and his shoulders and chest working hard in an attempt to gather enough oxygen while his eyes rolled into the back of his head. He couldn’t breathe, chocking on nothing even as Steve and Loki tried to steady him.

“It’s alright, try to breathe”, the god smoothed the tips of his fingers over his jowls and Steve kept running his hands along his chest and shoulders when the shaking got worse, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry but try to focus on us, okay? You’re going to be fine, I promise”

“Bucky, Bucky I- we got you,”, the captain whispered over and over beside him, bringing his hand up to his face to press his lips against its knuckles before he laid it against his chest and over his heart, “you’re save, it’s over”

He and Loki spent the better part of the following hour calming Bucky down, gently touching his skin and hair while they repeated their reassurances until the trembling ceased and he leaned back against Steve who held him close, waiting for his breathing to even. Loki moved with him and sat down on Bucky’s other side, not daring to let go of him completely yet.

“Sorry”, the lines on Bucky’s forehead smoothed but he kept his eyes closed and his voice still sounded hoarse, “didn’t mean to-“

“Shut up”, Steve’s voice however was so soft, it almost got lost in his boyfriend’s hair when he kissed the top of his head, “you’re almost done -right?”, he directed the last word at Loki, who nodded and whispered, “yes, only a couple of minutes more, if you want to finish this today and-”

“ _Please_ ”, Bucky’s voice had desperate touch to it and neither Loki nor Steve had the heart to tell him off.

“Careful”, the captain helped him sit up again and turn to the god.

This time, Loki said his spells out loud, or rather sung them under his breath while he stroked his thumbs along Bucky’s cheekbones and laid his forehead against his. Neither Steve nor Bucky understood a word he said and the coolness Loki’s touch left behind was the only thing Bucky felt until the god’s voice died down. Yet as soon as Loki closed his mouth, he felt like pressure, he hadn’t even noticed was there, vanish from behind his eyes.

“How are you feeling?”, Loki asked softly, pulling back and moving his hands up to brush his hair back before he cupped his face between the palms of his hands again.

“I’m fine now, I guess”, Bucky shrugged gingerly but went still the next second and cocked his head to the side, “it just- it just was a lot all at once, you know? I didn’t expect it to feel like reliving everything”, all three men pretended that his voice hadn’t grown strained mid-sentence, “but ‘part from that I’m good, really. I mean, I’m just kinda cold and my head’s…”, he started but the sentence slipped away from him, “It’s”, he furrowed his brows, shaking his head a little, “it feels kinda full to tell you the truth but apart from that I don’t feel anything anymore, don’t even remember the stuff I saw", he yawned and slowly untangled his hand form Steve’s to rub his eyes, “I’m really tired though”, he was able to move almost calmly by then.

“That surprises you?”, the captain finally dared to take a deep breath and laid both hands on his boyfriend’s shoulders, smoothing them up and down his arms when he shivered again.

Bucky did look alright now, he eventually decided, just slightly paler than usual and a little worn out – he’d make sure he really was okay as soon as they were alone later anyway and settled for laying his hand onto his leg and squeezing his knee for now. Loki however looked down right exhausted; he had dark circles around his eyes that Steve could have sworn had not been there a minute ago and his skin looked almost translucent.

“Those spells do have the tendency to be kind of draining”, Loki admitted with a tired laugh, stifling a yawn with the back of one hand himself, “that’s going to get better though; the best thing you can do now is sleep. Things will get a lot clearer than they’re right now. I know it’s hard but you should try and not force anything to come back instantly and allow things to come back on their own accord-”

“Loki, are _you_ okay?”, Steve asked and Bucky frowned beside him; “Loki-“

“I’m fine”, Loki waved both of them off, “you can go ahead and open your eyes by the way”, he told Bucky, “just take it slow”, he added when Bucky blinked his eyes open and flinched at the dimmed lights Jarvis had switched on earlier, his whole face screwing up, “look at me for a second”, the god carefully angled Bucky’s head to check on his pupils - dilated and framed by the tiniest ray of bright blue but definitely clear and oriented, “yes, I think you’re going to be fine. You’ll have to tell me as soon as you do end up feeling sick or anything though”, the god sighed quietly as he pressed his hand against his temple, “I’m sorry for throwing you into it like that, if I had known how intense you would experience this, I had told you or come up with an alternative, I promise you that”, he whispered as he slowly let go of Bucky.

“It’s fine, seriously, I’m okay so stop beating yourself up over that”, Bucky reached out to lay his hand over Loki’s and squeezed his fingers, “or at least let me thank you for doing this for me first”

“I would wait ‘till tomorrow before you do that”, Loki still objected but the shadow of a smile crept onto his lips and he squeezed Bucky’s hand back.

“You should too”, Steve pointed out and took the lack of arguing from the god as a sign that he was right, “do you want me to text Tony that we’re done here? Or would you like to sleep here for a bit? I mean, I don’t really like the thought of you being all on your own right now”

“That’s very sweet of you but I’ll be just fine”, Loki showed him a real smile, “and Tony’s upstairs with Rose so-”, he continued but was cut off by a knock against the door to the living room, “or not”, he tried to look annoyed but wasn’t able to hold that expression for more than a handful of seconds.

“I asked Jarvis to tell me when you’re done”, Tony explained sheepishly after the captain had called for him to come in, “are you?”

“Just finished”, Loki whispered and very carefully pulled his hand out of Bucky’s grip, which had steadily weakened during the last couple of seconds as his eyes had kept slipping shut and his head had come to a rest against Steve’s shoulder.

“Where’s Rose?”, the god then asked in a soft voice when he finally turned away from Bucky and to Tony.

“What, I left her in the workshop of course; she‘s making great progress with the new suit I wanted to get ready”

“Tell Nat that she doesn’t get to keep our baby permanently”, his legs apparently didn’t like the idea of Loki getting up as much as he did and he faltered when he made towards his boyfriend.

“We can do that together later –hey”, Tony caught him before he fell, “what’s up with you?”, he kept his voice just as silent, side-eying Bucky who had dozed off in earnest.

“Nothing, Tony-“

“…you just need to sleep or should I get Banner or Thor?”, he didn’t comment on the bags under the god’s eyes or the veins he could see shine through his pale skin.

“I may have underestimated how much energy this would take and how much I had to spare”, Loki eventually admitted, “but I’ll be fine after I’ve lain down for a while”, his boyfriend sighed but left it at that.

“I think, we should call it a night then”, he suggested instead, already steering the god towards the door.

“Probably”, Loki agreed before he turned to the captain again, “see you tomorrow?”

“’course”, Steve tried not to move about too much as he waved them off, “and Loki?”, he called just before they stepped through the door, “thank you for doing this, seriously, thank you”

 

\---

 

“Okay now, mother Theresia”, Tony gently pulled Loki, whose eyes had been slipping further rand further shut, closer as they stepped out of the elevator-cage and eventually simply picked him up when the god leaned so heavily into him he doubted he’d make it even the short way to their bedroom.

“You shouldn’t keep working yourself out like this, you know?”, he continued after he’d sat the god down on the bed, “I mean, it’s great that you and Barnes are kicking it off but-”

“I promised him”, Loki yawned and stretched like a lazy cat, “he didn’t deserve all this”, he paused and looked up at his spouse, “Tony, those memories… you can’t imagine what he went through- I had to try and help him”

“I know, honey and believe me I get it”, Tony laid his hand against Loki’s jowl, “that’s why I wanted to ask you whether you could help me with the prosthesis for him, I had an idea when I finished the designs for it earlier”

“Of course”, the smile Loki showed him almost managed to chase away the tiredness and worry that had edged itself into the corners of his eyes and mouth and Tony didn’t even try to fight the besotted expression that spread over his own face;

“I really, really love you, you know that?”, he asked when Loki tipped back his head to properly look at him.

“I love you too”, the god covered Tony’s hand with his own, “you really should go pick up Rose or we won’t get her back”

“You won’t go to sleep otherwise, I take it?”, Tony sighed when his boyfriend shot him a look, turned his head and pressed his lips against the palm of his hand; “You’ll let me get her?”

“I’ll be right back”             

 

\---

 

“How bad is it?”, Steve brushed his hand along his boyfriend’s side and shoulder – touching him anywhere near his head just yet seemed like a bad idea.

After the other couple had left, he’d tried to carry him back to their bedroom without rousing him but of course he’d woken up and would have insisted on walking there himself if he had not been so dizzy that he hadn’t even been able to stand. Now the captain had lain down next to him on his side and his concentration was focused on nothing but Bucky who was half on his side, half on his stomach, as he, very slowly, turned his head to face Steve.

“I already told you, my head’s just a little sore; ‘m really more tired than anything”, he almost purred, “If anything had been really wrong, I’d have said it earlier, believe me; I’m not that stupid”

“Well…”, Steve trailed off with crooked smile.

“You’re one to talk, Mr. Super-serum”, he pushed close to the captain, his words starting to run together, “I’m fine, really”

“Alright, alight”

Bucky’s eyes were half closed again – even the weak light form the lamp on the nightstand felt too much on them right now – and his boyfriend brushed his lips against his smooth jawline. It really was amazing how much the two of them still actually needed this constant physical closeness but they had stopped caring about someone thinking their behavior was weird pretty much since they’d met. That had been so, so long ago…

“How does it feel?”, he asked again.

“Tell you the truth? I don’t feel any different”

“Apart from being tired”

“Mhm mhm”

“That a bad thing?”, Steve smoothed some strands that had fallen into Bucky’s face back, “I’m kinda glad you didn’t get hurt or anything”, his skin finally had warmed up again.

“I just… I just hoped…”, he shrugged kind of awkwardly, like one could shrug whilst lying on their side and missing an arm, burying further into the pillows and sheets and Steve’s chest.

“That everything’d switch right back to normal?”

“Kinda”

“You heard Loki; things will probably get clearer once you’ve slept”

“I just wanted something to be simple for once”

“Yeah, I know that feeling”, Steve kept stroking back his hair when that didn’t seem to hurt him, “but-“

“I should just go ahead, relax, sleep and wait, _I know_ ”

“And who are we to do just that?”

“I’m kinda tired of doing nothing but wait for things to just get better”

“Well, actually you’d do what Loki had told you to in order to get better”, Steve pointed out, “so you wouldn’t be doing _nothing_ ”

“I know…”, Bucky whispered, pushing his head against his boyfriend’s hand when he stopped petting his hair, “Can you keep talking to me until I’ve fallen asleep and pretend it’s not 8 p.m.?”, he continued in a soft voice when Steve’s fingers picked up the slow movements again.

“And in five minutes I’m going to do what exactly?”

“You’re such an ass”, Bucky grinned and snuggled into him.

“Yes, but you should have figured that out by now”, you could hear the smile in the captain’s voice and his boyfriend also got to feel it when Steve kissed his forehead, “I’ll be right here when you wake up, Buck”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	4. Definitely Not

The box was wrapped in the most obnoxious red, white and blue-striped gift-wrap both Bucky and Steve had ever seen. Coming to think about it, Bucky also wondered where exactly Tony Stark had managed to obtain a box with these exact measurements as it was bigger than your average shoe carton or cereal box although using something as commonplace as used packaging seemed way out of character for the engineer as well.

“Don’t you wanna-“, Tony had been rocking back and forth on his heels for a couple of minutes now, ever since he’d sat the thing down on his workbench. His voice had the slightest high pitch to it and he shut his mouth when Loki dug his elbow into his ribs; “Give him some time”, he gently touched his fingers to his lover’s sternum to make up for the jab.

“No, no it’s alright”, Bucky forced himself to smile now as he reached out for the box – it wasn’t that he wasn’t thankful that Tony had done this for him but right now, as he touched the box, everything suddenly just felt so final and he had to force himself to breathe evenly again.

Thank god, they had wrapped box and lid separately and not bothered with a ribbon or something, he thought while he lifted up its top. Untying knots was one of the things that just didn’t really work one-handedly.

“What do you think?”, he heard Tony ask and Loki quietly chiding him in the background but he physically couldn’t tear his eyes or concentration away from the prosthesis; its surface wasn’t silver and divided into individual segments like his old one had used to be but looked like countless thin bands of different colored metals that had been threaded and woven together into a smooth texture, not a single groove or part visible.

“May-may I?”, his words sounded breathless in his own ears and he didn’t dare reach out for the prosthesis.

“Of course, just mind the weight - it’s lighter than the old one but just as sturdy”

Bucky carefully trailed his index-finger from the arm’s shoulder-piece down to the tips of its fingers; its texture was just as smooth as it looked.

“It’s amazing”, he whispered, carefully lifting it out of the box and turning it in his right hand to look at it from every angle, “and you’re sure you wanna give this to me?”

“Shit, you’re right; I have just so much use for an additional arm”

“It wouldn’t hurt you, you know”, Loki batted his eyelashes and by the time Tony had stopped being flabbergasted, Steve had also managed to get his laughter back under control.

“You sure you could handle that?”, the tips of his ears remained flushed even after he’d gotten his comeback out.

He was aware of the fact how stupid it was but ever since they’d had Rose, statements like that from the god kind of took him off guard and he found himself flail for a moment before he managed to come up with an answer. Now, Tony stretched his arms out towards Bucky to take the prosthesis out of his hands though; “you like it? I made a couple of different ones if-“

“No, no it’s perfect, really”

“It’s just as strong as the old one, I did some tests with both of them and compared the results and you’ll be able to use it like that as well”, Tony didn’t miss Bucky pursing his lips for a second at that but went on for a now anyway and run a finger along the area where he would connect it to Bucky’s shoulder. Part of it opened up and exposed an array of wires, “you don’t have to keep this one if you don’t feel comfortable with it but I’m afraid I can only show you the last details if you try it on, just for a minute”

“Alright”, Bucky hesitated for a second before he shrugged off his hoodie and turned slightly to give the engineer access to his left shoulder once he was down to a gray tank top. When they’d removed his old metal-arm, they had also attached a new covering to the base of his shoulder.

“This shouldn’t hurt but if it does…”, Tony touched his fingers to the thin connection-piece that was covering his shoulder now and the same mechanic opened up beneath his shoulder, “just yell at me or something”

“Will do”, Bucky closed his real hand around his own boyfriend’s fingers when he pushed them between his, “go ahead”

Tony had been right; all he could feel was a faint electronic impulse every time Tony connected one wire of the prostheses after the other to the shoulder piece and when he finally secured the top of the prosthesis’ shoulder-cap to the covering on his shoulder a weak tremble run down his arm.

“Try it”, Tony kept his eyes trained to the area where prosthesis connected with flesh when Bucky complied and carefully wiggled his fingers before he balled them into a fist and stretched them out again, “what do you think?”, he carefully touched his own fingers to Bucky’s shoulder to check whether the pieces moved together smoothly.

“I think”, Bucky repeated slowly, opening and closing his hand before he gingerly rolled his shoulder and the shadow of a smile appeared on his lips when he was able to move easily, effortlessly, “it’s really good”, he showed it to Steve.

“Fine motor skills should be alright, I came up with a different model of pressure sensors than those the other one had”

Bucky hummed his agreement when Steve trailed his fingers over the smooth surface of the prosthesis and closed them over his wrist for a couple of seconds; “It feels less cold than the other one”, he said softly and carefully turned Bucky’s forearm to watch its coloring change when it moved in the light while Tony explained the distinctiveness of the material, “suits you better as well”

 “What was the other thing you wanted to show me?”, he eventually asked before he’d end up getting too distracted.

“When we talked about designs, you said you weren’t sure whether you wanted it to have super-strength or not, right?”

Bucky nodded. He definitely didn’t want to pick up another career as assassin or something but he also wasn’t sure if he wanted to end up without that advantage should Steve or someone from his team end up being in danger and he would have no other choice than stepping in and trying to help. And that day would come, he was sure of it. Happy times always came to an end, or at least always had up until now. This time though, he would not let anyone take Steve or any of his friends away from him again.

“That’s why I asked Loki to help me with an idea I had and I think we came up with a pretty good solution for that; try touching your little finger to your thumb five times in a row, like this”, Tony showed him and watched when Bucky did as he was told, still frowning at him.

“And what exactly…”, he started but cut himself in when he _felt_ something in his left arm, “what is it _doing_?”, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the surface of his arm, which _changed_ right in front of his eyes, particle by particle until it looked exactly like his other, real arm, “ _what did you do?”_ , he whispered, starring down at his seemingly flesh-and-blood-hand, not daring to move.

“I inscribed the material with a variation of runes for a transfiguration-charm”, Loki explained, “if you do this”, he touched his little finger to the pad of his thumb, “quickly five times in a row, the rune gets activated and changes the material into a very close imitation of skin and flesh.”

“Very close?”, Bucky weakly asked, still holding his left arm in that awkward angle.

“Try touching something”

“You’re kidding me”, his eyes had turned so big when he laid his hand against the back of Steve’s hand, Tony bit his bottom lip to not actually laugh out loud, “you’re actually kidding me”, he reached up to run his fingers through the captain’s hair, his lips still parted halfway.

“You can feel that?”, Steve eventually caught his boyfriend’s hand with his when he kept touching is face and neck and too halted when his fingers made contact with his, “you’re warm anyway”

“I can feel that”, Bucky confirmed around his bright grin before he turned to Loki and Tony again; “how the hell did you come up with this?"

“It’s really not much more complicated than writing an instruction manual, Tony did all the real work”, Loki shrugged, “how does it feel?”

“How lame would it sound if I said ‘natural’? I feel everything”, he carefully trailed his own fingers along the inside of his left arm, it felt just as soft as normal skin would, and he closed his eyes, still laughing breathlessly, “you two…”, he started, shaking his head as he got up, closed the distance between and wrapped his arms around both before he could tell himself not to, “thank you, _thank you_ ”

“All…right”, Tony patted his back kind of awkwardly since, between Bucky and Loki, he came up to about the height of their shoulders and subsequently ended up cornered between them while Loki laid one hand against the back of Bucky’s head, hugging him close; “you’re very welcome”

“Just a couple of things more”, Tony cleared his throat after Bucky had let go of him and Loki and had, still kind of shakily, sat down on the swivel-chair Tony had offered to him earlier, “in this state, the prosthesis functions just like your other arm; you’re able to feel but you don’t have access to the extra strength you have when it’s in the other mode, you got that?”, Bucky nodded still kind of dazedly and Steve grinned while he laid both hands on his shoulders, “you can change it back and forth as you please if you touch your fingers together like that but if you’re scared or in actual, imminent danger, it might change into its normal setting to protect you. I’m not entirely sure if that’s gonna happen every time though so you’ll have to figure that out on your on but apart from that, you could keep it just like that from now on, if you want to of course”

“Are you kidding me?”

…

The sheets stuck to his skin as he lifted his left arm up to look at it in the glow of the lamp on their nightstand, slowly opening and closing his fingers above him, rubbing the tips of his fingers together – the ‘skin’ even turned pale over his knuckles as he did so and from time to time his fingernails would meet with the faintest click.

“I take it, you’re happy with that?”, Steve too reached up, laced their fingers and brought his hand down in front of his face to press his lips against it.

“Yeah”, Bucky hid the smile that had never really left his lips ever since Tony had connected the new prosthesis to his shoulder in Steve hair, his other hand splayed over his sternum and holding him close, “and you seemed to kind of enjoy it too, mister”

“Mhm”, Steve agreed, brushing his lips over his knuckles and darting the tip of his tongue between them to hear Bucky gasp and, which in turn made him grin from ear to ear, giggle while he squirmed against him, “kinda. I missed hearing that”, he pressed his lips against his boyfriend’s throat.

“I think, I’ll keep it like this”, Bucky mused, once Steve had finished covering the base of his neck and collarbones with quick, closemouthed kisses, “what do you think?”

“You do whatever you feel most comfortable with, okay?”

“You realize that you don’t have to say that every time I ask you for your opinion, right?”

“It’s the truth, what can I do? Doesn’t matter to me whether you have one arm or two as long as you’re yourself, I love you no matter what. If you wanna wear it like that”, Steve grabbed his wrist again, lifted it up and brushed his lips along his collarbone and shoulder, down to the tips of his fingers, “I’ll do my best to make you feel good all over”, he punctured the last two words by kissing the palm and back of his hand, “if you wanna wear it the other way”, he kissed his way back up to Bucky’s chest, “I’ll make sure you know that I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you”, he pulled back to be able to look at his boyfriend, “and if you don’t wanna have it at all”, he laid his forehead against his, “I’ll never let you forget how goddamn lucky I was to get you back and that I won’t ever let anyone get between us again, as long as you want me to”

“…you’re still so fucking sweet, it’s not even funny”, Bucky laid his hand against the captain’s jaw, “which reminds me…”, he tipped his head back before he kissed Steve again, “there’s something else I haven’t tried yet”

“Still?”, he raised his eyebrows but slid both hands down his sides to lie against his hips and half lifted, half tugged him back on top of him to kneel astride his thighs, “I didn’t know that there was so much left we haven’t done again yet”, he whispered against his lips. So much you needed two hands for anyway.

“You’re telling me, you mind?”

The tips of Bucky’s strands tickled Steve’s face and neck when he shifted his weight and the captain’s lips opened in a low moan; “definitely not”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading this, it would be lovely to let me know what you though of it <3
> 
> I may or may not continue adding oneshots to this series if I'm able to come up with a couple of decent ideas, would anyone enjoy that?
> 
> Anyway, once again thank you for reading this (and maybe the whole series) through, maybe this also helped with the trauma some of my may have taken away after watchign Infinity war.
> 
> As always, lots of love


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